


Begin Again

by nydoorin



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Last of Us Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25931851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nydoorin/pseuds/nydoorin
Summary: Ellie unwillingly returns to Jackson after going through hell in Santa Barbara, and Dina is the only person who can get through to her.(my first time trying to write anything because fUCK that ending hurts, Neil if you're reading this thank you but also I'll never forgive you)
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

An empty home, an old guitar, a failed attempt of connecting with the good part of her past, and a pained look at her missing fingers was all it took for Ellie to realize there really was nothing left for her in this life anymore.

Ellie left the guitar resting on the windowsill and made her way downstairs and out of the empty house, almost mechanically. She had no idea where to go and what to do. The trip back to Wyoming took any energy she had left, her physical injuries were dragging her down, which wasn't helped by the fact that her stitches tore open at least three times. Her stitching skills weren't stellar before, but with the uncontrollable shaking of her hands, and the agonizing pain in her right one, she found it extremely hard to stitch herself shut every time. Ellie preferred to avoid thinking about her mental state, at least until her next anxiety attack or traumatizing flashback forced her to.

Ellie knew that she practically had nowhere to go, she didn't want to go back to Jackson. She was pretty sure Dina had taken JJ and went back there, and she already caused them enough pain as it is, there was no need to add any further damage to anyone who was associated with her. Especially not to Dina and their little boy. They were better off without her.

Everyone was, Ellie thought.

She sighed and clutched her side, feeling the small lump of stitches throbbing underneath her palm. Ellie tried to keep the wound as clean as possible, but it really was an impossible task when she had to travel over a thousand miles with nothing but a backpack full of ammo and food, weapons, and the clothes on her back. She saw the angry red colour of the wound a few days ago, and she felt the exhaustion and the fever coming over her today when she woke up in some abandoned basement.

An infection being the thing that finally kills her was a little bit ironic, she thought. But she didn't mind, she was tired of everything, she wanted to rest, she wanted to stop feeling like she existed within an everlasting nightmare. And maybe, if there was something beyond, she could be reunited with Joel.

Ellie wandered into the woods, she knew this part was clear of infected and bandits since it fell within the Jackson patrols territory. She remembered riding out here with Jesse back when everything was normal, before her life and her sanity went to hell.

She made her way into an abandoned cabin they used to camp out in when a particularly tough storm or blizzard hit and went up the little staircase, clutching the blue railing tightly with one hand and her stab wound with another, feeling all remaining strength leave her body. The only thing that kept Ellie going since the minute she decided to spare Abby's life was a need to see if Dina was still there. Ellie knew she didn't deserve it, didn't deserve any of Dina's love or kindness or warmth. Not after everything she's done and all the lives she's taken. But the tiny, stupid part of her brain that held out hope kept her going, and when she walked into her empty home today, the only guiding light left inside her went out. It was the final blow that made Ellie realize that she truly had ran out of reasons to keep going.

Clutching the door handle, she shoved her shoulder once, twice, against its rusty hinges until it finally creaked open. A clattering sound followed, catching Ellie's attention. She looked down to find her small, empty pistol on the ground. Ellie didn't bother to get it back. No one could hurt her with it, and even if someone could, she didn't really care anymore.

She went into the cabin and closed the door behind her, darkness immediately settled upon her, and Ellie felt her chest tightening and tears stinging her eyes, a flood of bad memories and agonizing events flashing before her like the worst horror movie she could ever watch. Ellie immediately creaked the door open again, allowing a little light into the room, then she dragged a chair and placed it against the door, wanting something to keep it from opening all the way up.

After placing her bloodstained backpack and her weapons on the floor, Ellie rummaged through the cabinets for anything to drink or eat, and came up with a half full water bottle and a recently expired can of sliced peaches. Ellie ate and drank quickly, quietly hoping that this would be her last meal, and as things stood, there was no reason why it wouldn't be. She felt a horrendous pain radiating from her stomach, and a heaviness settle upon her limbs by midday, and by nightfall, she laid down on the floor with a pool of vomit beside her, the product of her illness and a particularly bad panic attack, triggered by the sound of her rifle sliding off the wall and clattering to the ground. 

Ellie woke up the very next day with a burning fever, and she couldn't help but think that dying from an infected wound sounded like a horrible and unpleasantly long way to die. She figured that she deserves it after everything she's done, but that didn't mean she appreciated any part of it. She swung in and out of consciousness the entire day, seeing Dina and Joel and even Jesse walking through the cabin at one point. She tried reaching out and talking to them, but all they did was give her a look of disgust and disappointment before turning their heads away from her and vanishing from Ellie's sight.

She was hallucinating, she knew that much, which probably meant that she was doing a lot worse than she originally thought, but on the bright side, she was finally going to die. Ellie kept thinking about Dina, happy with someone who loves her enough to stick around, who wasn't tormented by night terrors and panic attacks and PTSD, who was whole enough to reciprocate her love and warmth. She thought about JJ, who was going to grow up with an incredible mother, and her healthy partner who didn't have a small town's population worth of murders weighing down on their conscience. Ellie was content with her decision not to go back to Jackson. It was her last parting gift for Dina and JJ, she will give them something she longed for her entire life but never managed to fully get: peace. It was a thought that lulled Ellie into sleep. 

She was so tired and ill that she didn't wake up the next morning, she wasn't startled by the sound of two horses approaching the cabin, she didn't hear a guy shouting for his partner to come over and take a look at the abandoned pistol and the open cabin door. She did hear the sound of the chair she put against her cabin's door scrap against the wooden floor, but it was so distant that she might as well have been hearing it from under water, she could hear a faint conversation, but she had no strength to react, and no willpower to reach for her knife and fight for her life, she was dying anyway.

"There's someone in here." She heard a young voice, maybe around her age say. Another pair of feet shuffled into the cabin and joined them.

"Christ Almighty, it's Ellie Williams!" a surprised, older voice exclaimed. "The hell is she doin' out here?" The voice had a slight accent that reminded her of Joel's, and if she had the energy, Ellie would feel heart ache and longing to hear his voice one more time.

"I don't know, Lawrence. But she doesn't look good." The younger voice responded, worry painted all over his tone. The same feet shuffled again, this time coming towards her, and a few seconds later Ellie felt a hand press on her forehead.

"Goddamn, she's burnin' up." The man said, voice laced with concern. Ellie then felt strong arms slide beneath her neck and knees. She wanted to protest, wanted to tell them to leave her out here to die like she deserves, but all that came out of her throat was a choked whimper.

"We're gonna get you back home, Ellie. Just hang in there, kid." She heard the older man say to her, and then an overwhelmingly bright light flooded them. Ellie felt herself being passed to much more slender arms for a minute, before she was sat down on a horse, her back leaning into the old man's front. The stitches in her stomach screamed in agony with every movement the horse made.

But Ellie was, once again, too tired to remain conscious. And a welcomed darkness swallowed her in.


	2. 2

"Open the gates!" Lawrence roared at the watchmen on Jackson's towers as he neared the gates, Daniel following closely behind him. The large doors opened quickly, and quiet gasps filled the area once people realized who Lawrence brought back. Maria, who was checking some security details by one of the towers was drawn to the commotion at the front of the town.

"What the hell is going o-" Maria's voice was caught in her throat once she saw the body pressed to Lawrence's front. "Ellie!" she shouted, and hurried over to the man.

"I need a stretcher, now!" Maria yelled at no one in particular as she received Ellie's body in her arms as it was slowly being lowered by Lawrence. A few seconds later Ellie was placed on a stretcher and rushed to Jackson's makeshift hospital.

Maria turned to Lawrence and grilled him for information, and after she made sure she got every detail out of him and Daniel, she thanked them both and went to check on Ellie. The town was already buzzing with the news, and Maria made it her top priority to head to Dina's place directly after checking that Ellie is alive and recovering.

She went into the hospital, and was immediately told by an apprentice that Ellie was still being examined by the doctors, and that it'd be at least an hour before they were done with her.

"Is it that bad?" Maria asked, her stomach flipping in concern.

"Infected wound, not that type of infected." The young girl rushed to explain, "a stab wound that went untreated and horribly stitched for far too long." The apprentice informed her, and Maria grimaced at Ellie's recklessness and stupidity, but she gave the young girl a nod and figured she'd use the time to inform Dina before anyone else got to her.

The distance between Dina's apartment and Jackson's hospital was quite short. Dina worked there, after all. And Maria was grateful that today was Dina's day off, she couldn't imagine what seeing Ellie like that would do to her, after everything she went through. 

Seeing the usually strong and alert Ellie unresponsiveness and deathly pale has scared the life out of Maria, she knew that another day in that cabin would certainly mean Ellie's death. And she was grateful that Lawrence found her when he did.

Stupid Ellie.

Stupid Tommy.

Maria found herself on Dina's front steps, she knocked twice before hearing a muffled 'coming' and the sound of feet hurrying towards the door. A second later, Dina's face appeared in front of Maria. She looked a bit surprised at the older woman's visit, but invited her in anyway.

Maria carefully sat down on a worn out couch, tangling her fingers together before looking up at a slightly confused Dina. "Can I get you anything to drink?" Dina offered, earning a head shake from Maria, who then gestured for her to sit down.

Dina's confusion was visibly turning into concern by then. "Where is JJ?" Maria asked, and Dina told her that he was napping in his room.

Maria exhaled, at least they weren't going to be interrupted. 

"You're really starting to scare me, Maria. What happened?" Dina asked.

Maria didn't feel like beating around the bush, and frankly, she wasn't the kind of woman who liked doing so. So she figured that the best way to go about this is to make it straightforward and quick.

"She's back." Maria said, and saw the colour drain from Dina's face.

"E– Ellie's back?" Dina stuttered, in complete shock and disbelief.

"Yes. And she's hurt, quite badly from what I've gathered from the doctor. They're treating her at the hospital as we're speaking." Maria continued, and watched Dina somehow get paler. 

"What happened to her?" Dina asked in a high pitched tone, the worry visible in her eyes.

"Stab wound that got infected, and her stitches were crap. Even crappier than usual from what I've gathered. Lawrence found her in a cabin today morning while on patrol. Don't think she would've made it another day if he didn't bring her here." Maria explained..

"When are you going to see her?" Dina asked after a minute of silence, trying to steady her voice. 

"In a few minutes, I just thought I'd swing by and tell you about it before the townspeople start running their mouths. You know how they are." Maria said. "If you want to come with me I'd happily take you, I don't think she'll be awake when we go there. She had a horrible fever, and they probably sedated her to work on that stab wound." Maria offered, and waited a couple of minutes for Dina to make up her mind.

"Okay," Dina exhaled. "Do you mind swinging by Jesse's parents house before we go though? I can't leave JJ alone here." She continued.

"Not at all, let's go." Maria stood up, and waited by the door while Dina went to get the little boy. By the time they dropped off Dina's kid at Jesse's home and went to the hospital, Ellie was out of the examination room and in a room of her own.

"I honestly have no clue how she managed to survive that for this long." The doctor said to Maria and Dina once he was done with the initial greetings. "The wound was horribly infected, and her fever was severe, Lawrence and Daniel saved her life by bringing her in now. A few more hours and she would've been beyond our help." He concluded, and with each word, Dina's chest felt a little more tighter. She knew Ellie was reckless when it came to taking care of herself, and the events of the recent months, paired with Ellie's declining mental state, had made Ellie even more reckless, to the point of endangering her own life.

Dina couldn't understand why she was found in a cabin, why didn't she come back to Jackson? surely she would've known that Dina and JJ went there if she swung by the house, which Dina was somehow sure Ellie did.

The doctor gestured towards Ellie's room, telling them that she's asleep, but that they should keep the visit short anyway. Both Dina and Maria nodded before walking into the dimly lit room, and Dina could feel her heart plummeting to her feet at the sight of Ellie.

She was dangerously thin, much thinner than when she left their farm, Dina noted. She looked so fragile that Dina was afraid she'd break under the weight of the blanket that covered her. There were bags and dark lines underneath her eyes, almost as if she got no sleep during those last few months, and there was a shiny layer of sweat that covered her face and neck, making her hair stick to them.

Dina tentatively got closer, as if she was approaching a wounded animal, and upon closer inspection, she noticed bandages covering a couple of Ellie's fingers on her right hand. Her breath caught in her throat when she realized that the the bandages were much too short for any of Ellie's long fingers to be underneath them. Dina took a deep breath and sat down on the chair beside Ellie, she wasn't sure if she could stand right now.

"Pretty bad, huh?" Maria said, trying to break the stifling silence. Dina looked up at her, only managing a nod before diverting her attention back to Ellie.

Maria dragged a chair and sat down next to Dina, she placed a reassuring hand on the younger woman's knee. Maria was a tough woman, there was no doubt about that, but she was too familiar with the worry and heartache that came with loving a reckless and self destructive person. She remembered all the struggles and the endless anxiety that came with loving Tommy, especially after what happened to Joel. It transformed him into a different person, the grief and the rage eating away at the core of the person she loved. She saw it all reflected in Dina's worried gaze. And despite all of Dina's previous insistence that she was done with Ellie, Maria knew that it was impossible to just let go of that type of love.

"She's gonna make it, don't worry too much." Maria said, trying to bring some comfort to a visibly stressed out Dina, who turned to her and gave her a small nod, almost as though she didn't believe it.

A while later the same doctor told them that they needed to leave with an apologetic smile, Dina didn't want to, and Maria said she'd take care of it while Dina went to check on JJ. 

"Okay, I'll be back in an hour or so." Dina said, giving the middle aged doctor a determined look on her way out. 

Truth was, Dina's check up on JJ didn't even take twenty minutes, what Dina really had in mind was going to Ellie's old place and tidying it up for her, since she'd no doubt need it after being discharged from the hospital. 

Dina knew that Ellie kept a spare key under the empty pot on her porch, and she was glad to find it there after such a long time. She walked into the small space, smelling dust and a faint hint of soap and sweat, it made her realize how much she missed laying her head on Ellie's shoulder or sleeping next to her in their farmhouse. Sure, things weren't always sunshine and rainbows there, but they had their good moments, and they were worth every bit of struggle they went through.

If only that was enough for Ellie.

Dina exhaled. Truth was: she had absolutely no idea why she was doing any of this for Ellie. Maybe it was the fact that after being gone for so long, Dina really believed Ellie died somewhere in California, and her arrival today was a reminder of how much Dina cared about her. Maybe it was Dina being the kind person she was, despite all the pain and agony Ellie caused her by walking out of their home, not bothering to think about her girlfriend and their child.

She dusted off the place and changed Ellie's bedsheets, tidying it up and making sure it was comfy enough for her when the time came to sleep in it, she moved into Ellie's kitchen and bathroom next, making sure both were clean enough. Dina didn't bother to restock Ellie's cabinets with any ingredients, she knew how horrendous Ellie was at cooking, and decided to either bring her food she personally cooked or bring her something from the grand kitchen that fed everyone in Jackson.

Afterwards, Dina gathered one of Ellie's oversized cotton sweaters and pants and put them in Ellie's spare backpack, thinking that she will definitely need something to wear other than the ruined tank top she currently had on.

With one final approving look at Ellie's place, Dina shut the door behind and placed the key back underneath the empty pot, making her way towards Jackson's hospital.


	3. 3

The hospital was quiet as Dina made her way back inside, only hearing a few distant groans and staff murmurs as she headed to Ellie's room. Maria was still inside, causing Dina to release a sigh of relief. She knew that the doctor would be tough to convince, but it seemed like her and Maria agreed that Ellie needed to be accompanied and watched. She could tell that Maria was also puzzled by the fact that Ellie was found in an abandoned cabin, and she didn't want to risk anything by leaving Ellie alone, even if she's too hurt to move.

She was just about to talk when Maria made a hushing gesture, removing herself quietly from the chair and nodding towards the door. Dina sat the bag down quietly on the floor and headed outside where Maria waited, arms crossed over her chest. "I managed to convince him to let you stay here. Had to explain the whole cabin situation and he found it odd as well." Maria said quietly, Dina wasn't sure if she has ever heard the older woman's voice this low before. Probably not.

"Okay," Dina said, she started to make her way back inside the room but felt a hand tug on her wrest. 

"If you need anything, send me the young apprentice there." She nodded towards a girl with dark skin and braids. "Her name is Josey, I'll keep checking on JJ and I'll tell Jesse's parents about the situation. I'm sure they won't mind, they love Ellie like a daughter." Maria reassured.

"Okay. Thank you, Maria." Dina said, giving Maria a warm smile before turning and heading back inside the room.

____________________________________

The next couple of days were spent uncomfortably in a plastic chair, accompanied by nothing but Ellie's feverish mumbles and the sound of her breathing. Dina left once during that period to check on JJ, only managing to do so when Maria replaced her on the plastic chair.

Dina had listened to Ellie struggle in her sleep, she had no doubt in her mind that whatever she was dreaming of was absolutely awful, given Ellie's frown and her strangled whimpers, Dina took Ellie's hand each time, hoping that the light contact would be enough to guide Ellie out of her nightmares and into a peaceful, dreamless sleep. It seemed to work each time, and Dina absolutely hated the way her heart fluttered in her chest when Ellie's struggles subdued and her whimpers stopped only by holding her hand. 

She didn't dare to hope for something with Ellie again. She couldn't. Dina had barely managed to put herself back together after that night in their farm, and she was sure that if it wasn't for JJ she wouldn't have pulled through at all. Ellie was blinded by rage, Dina knew that much, her entire being seemed solely focused on one thing and one thing only: killing Abby, and Dina wasn't sure that there was anything left at all from the person she fell in love with all those months ago after all the violence she put herself through.

Even on their farm, it was clear how much Ellie was trying to avoid dealing with her grief over Joel. She refused to utter his name, she avoided talking about him like it'd burn her alive if she dared to do so. Dina saw one of Ellie's journals once by accident, and she was shocked to discover that Ellie could draw everyone's entire face except Joel, who always had his eyes crossed out or scribbled over. Dina didn't fully understand what the meant, but she knew it wasn't anything good. And maybe, Ellie's obsessive fixation on revenge was just another way to avoid dealing with her grief.

Dina was pulled out of her thoughts by a stirring and a cough coming from the bed. She froze for a second, realizing that she didn't consider the moment Ellie woke up or how she'd approach it. She slowly stood up, seeing Ellie's eyes blink open before squeezing shut again, the bright sunlight in the room making her flench. Dina moved to draw the ratty blue curtains a little, dimming the light in the process, and Ellie sighed contentedly, before peeling her eyes back open and trying to get them to focus on anything in the room.

She fixed her eyes on Dina, blinking a few times before she inhaled sharply. Too sharply. Ellie broke into a fit of coughs, and Dina went to hand her a glass of water quickly, which Ellie gulped gratefully before focusing back on the woman she walked out on months ago. Dina noticed the haunted, broken look in the green eyes she loved so much, how tired they seemed, how Ellie's entire existence seemed defeated and dulled now. 

"Um.." Ellie croaked out, voice scratchy from the lack of use. "Hi?" she continued, the word coming out as a question rather than a greeting.

"Hi," Dina replied before diverting her gaze to the floor, a few second passed in uncomfortable silence before she realized that she should probably inform the doctor that Ellie was awake. "I'll go fetch the doctor." Dina said, one hand wrapped around her elbow awkwardly.

"Okay." Ellie said, before Dina walked out of the room and into the hallways.

Ellie closed her eyes, she didn't expect to see anything again if she was being completely honest. The last thing she remembers is falling asleep after vomiting her pathetic ''last'' meal, she had no recollection of ever leaving the cabin, Ellie knew she was stubborn, but even she couldn't walk back to Jackson with a burning fever and an infected wound. 

Before she got a chance to lift up the light duvet she was covered in to peer at her stomach, a middle aged man with thinning grey hair walked into her room, he greeted her first then proceeded to ramble about how reckless she was, and how she was found before things went past the point of no return. Ellie tuned him out after a minute, she never cared much for what doctors had to say. Instead, she kept stealing glances at Dina, who was talking to a young apprentice in the hallway outside her room. 

"... not before we make sure everything is okay, but you should be able to go home in a couple of days. You'll need the help of someone, since you can't move much until we take the stitches out. And any physical activity might worsen your fever." She listened to the doctor conclude his 5 minutes rant.

"I'm not planning on staying in Jackson past," Ellie checked the old clock on the wall, it was 3:40. "4pm." She informed him, before attempting to sit up, feeling the stitches in her side pull painfully in protest. Ellie heard the doctor yell as she swung her legs out of bed, suddenly feeling dizzy and exhausted, but she didn't really care, she already put Dina through enough, none of this was supposed to happen. 

"Ellie, what are you doing? are you out of your fucking mind?" Ellie froze in place at the sound of Dina's angry tone. She looked up to find Dina rushing towards her, she slowly tucked Ellie's legs back under the covers and pushed her shoulder lightly to force her back into the pillows. Dina then turned to the doctor, who was a little surprised at how easily Ellie had lost all of her stubbornness and fierceness once Dina got involved.

"As I was saying..." his eyes flitted between the two women, "You'll be back home in a couple of days, but I think someone should check up on you at least twice a day, any movement isn't good for you after the hell you put that wound through." He concluded again, this time directing his words more towards Dina, who listened carefully and nodded understandingly once he was done.

Then they were alone again, and the tension was so palpable that Ellie would poke around the air to touch it if she wasn't terrified of moving a single limb around.

"Do you really hate me that much, that you can't even stay in Jackson until you properly heal?" Dina finally broke the silence, her voice loaded with anger and hurt. 

"Of course not," Ellie defended. "This is not my intention, it never was." She continued.

"Your intentions don't mean shit Ellie." Dina spat, "You told me you didn't intend on dying, only for you to be discovered on the verge of death in some abandoned cabin after god knows how many months later." Dina was now looking at the ceiling and blinking rapidly to stop herself from crying. Ellie didn't think she was physically capable of hating herself more until that moment.

Before Ellie could reply, she heard Maria talking to someone in the hall, her voice rapidly approaching the room. She looked back at Dina, who seemed to have noticed the voice too.

"For your sake, Ellie, I hope it was worth it. I hope she was worth it." Dina said, not a single drop of hatred or bitterness in her tone, just tons upon tons of exhaustion and disappointment, before making her way out of the small room.


	4. 4

Two days passed with Ellie just resting and stewing in shame in her own head, replaying the events that took place after she woke up. Dina didn't come back after she stormed out of her room, as if things weren't bad enough between them, Ellie thought.

Maria kept her company whenever she could. Somehow, she sensed that after her altercation with Dina, Ellie wouldn't try to leave Jackson as soon as the opportunity presented itself, but she told Josey to keep an eye out, just in case. Maria was never one to take chances, and even if she was, Ellie was the last person worthy of taking a chance on.

Tommy didn't try to visit or reach out through Maria, and she was grateful for the space. He was a jarring reminder of her maniacal pursuit of revenge, and – most importantly – of Joel, his accent and his features and the way he carried himself. He wasn't quite Joel, nothing will ever come close to him, but the resemblance was enough to crack something deep inside Ellie open, something that she wasn't ready to face yet, but knew she had to deal with, eventually.

A third day passed with sporadic visits from Maria and sneaky glances from Josey, and at night, the same middle aged doctor she ignored days ago came back to tell her that she was good enough to leave. He made sure that Maria was around to listen to the instructions he had to say, since Ellie apparently had no interest in being healthy or alive. She had to admit that he wasn't wrong about either.

Maria walked her home that night, the distance that normally took Ellie fifteen minutes to walk took her nearly forty, she wasn't aware of the toll Santa Barbara took on her body until she had to stand up and walk, half of her weight supported by Maria. Maria herself was patient and extra protective, giving everyone who dared to look at Ellie in any funny way her signature glare. Ellie was grateful for the company and the protection, even though she believed she deserved neither.

"Where do you keep your spare key?" Maria asked once they arrived in front of Ellie's home.

"Under the pot." Ellie mumbled, supporting her weight on the wall while Maria fetched the key and opened the door for them.

"You're lucky that I always believed you were going to turn up alive back here, or you wouldn't have anywhere to go." Maria joked, trying to brighten Ellie's grim mood, but to no avail.

"Wasn't planning on it." Ellie half said, half sighed out. She noticed the clean state of the room, her bed was made and her sheets were changed, there was barely any dust in her house, this didn't look right.

Maria must've noticed the confused expression on Ellie's face, because she quickly explained, "Dina came here while you were passed out in the hospital. She's the one who got the clothes you're wearing right now," She paused for a second, then continued "She thought that it'd be better for you to come back to a clean house once you were discharged, so she did this." Maria concluded.

Ellie bit the inside of her cheek hard enough for the metalic taste of blood to fill her mouth. After everything she did, after all the pain Ellie put her through, Dina somehow managed to always be the better person, she managed to keep her humanity intact throughout everything, and Ellie loathed herself for not being half as good as Dina is.

"I know you probably weren't planning to come back here." Maria's surprisingly soft voice cut through Ellie's train of self loathing thoughts. "It was obvious, the way you seemed to be in that cabin for days, I know what you think, Ellie. I've seen it all with Tommy, I see the grief chip away at him everyday. I see him drowning his sorrow in angry fits and booze." Maria stopped and inhaled, "I don't want to see you turning into that, Joel wouldn't have wanted that for you. Both of you." Ellie visibly flinched at the name, when was it going to get easier?

"You don't know what he would've wanted." Ellie spoke up clearly for the first time since her arrival.

"Maybe you're right. But what I know is that he would've hated seeing both of you like this. Especially you, Ellie." Maria replied gently, she was an expert at maneuvering conversations with angry Millers at this point, she brought it to a fine art.

"I'd like to be left alone." Ellie said, her voice choked up, "Please," she added. Maria nodded her head and opened the door.

"If you need anything, you know where to find me, if you can't move or are too tired to, Tommy is living next door." Maria informed her, and Ellie nodded gratefully for all the things she did for her. She might've been angry and hurt, but Ellie was going to try to limit the pain she inflicted on other people from now on. Her grief was only hers to deal with, Ellie thought, others have suffered enough because of her.

Ellie tried sleeping that night, and the night that followed, and the night that followed, but to no avail. Each night she was jerked awake by a series of nightmares horrible enough to leave her weeping. She saw people she killed, all of them, it seemed. She watched the life drain from their eyes, and at one point their faces started morphing into the faces of those she cared about. She was left with the image of her loved ones' warm blood dripping down her hands, her knife stuck in their throats as they looked at her with eyes filled with betrayal and pain. The idea of sleep became torturous, she started avoiding it as much as she could.

Leaving the house wasn't an option in Ellie's mind, she planned on staying inside for as long as possible. The only person she saw was Maria, who came by a few times a day to drop off her food, and came back to take away the nearly untouched containers. 

Ellie's recovery was slow due to her lack of sleep and terrible appetite, the bags under her bloodshot eyes became even bigger and darker. She felt as if she wasn't even real anymore, and wondered if it was really worth being alive anymore if it was always going to be like this. She didn't even poke her grief with a stick yet, and that was supposed to be the hardest part, what would happen to her when she got around to it? Ellie dreaded the answer, and banished the idea from her exhausted mind altogether.

In the house next door, a tired looking Tommy peered outside his window with his only good eye, he watched the little house next to him, porch light on in the middle of the day, and curtains that seemed like they were glued shut. He had told Maria about Ellie's nightly screams, and then the crying that followed until the sun came up. Maria's response was a deep sigh and a quiet 'dear god'. He wanted to go over to Ellie's each night, but he blamed himself for the state Ellie was in, he saw how fragile she looked after Seattle, saw how she jumped at each and every little motion, how her eyes lost their previous light, and he still went to her with those information. He couldn't face Ellie because she was a reflection of the monster grief turned him into, and he wasn't ready to deal with that yet.

Maria, on the other hand, ran out of solutions to help Ellie, who was dealing with everything way worse than anything Maria could've imagined, and she imagined it would be quite bad. Maria feared that if she didn't do something soon she was going to lose Ellie for good. She also knew that there was only one person who had a chance of breaking through to Ellie, but she feared that putting this upon Dina would be asking too much of her.

Desperate times, Maria thought.

She knocked on the familiar door once again, hearing the sound of a child blabbering something incoherent from inside, and then the sound of the door unlatching and opening before she was faced with Dina, who let out a big sigh before gesturing for Maria to go inside.

"What is it this time? did she trip and break her arm? or did she actually get herself killed?" Dina said, momentarily taken aback by the harshness of her own words, Maria's expression didn't lack surprise either, and she regretted going there.

"I'm sorry, I'll figure something else out. I shouldn't have bothered you." Maria said, quickly getting up before being stopped by Dina, who had an apologetic look on her face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as rude. Please sit." Dina apologized, running her hand over a tired face before looking back at Maria. "What is it? is everything alright?" she asked, worry seeping into her tone. Dina figured that if Maria came to her despite knowing every little detail about their situation, along with how hurt Dina was by her interaction with Ellie in the hospital, then things probably weren't going smoothly.

Maria cleared her throat, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. "It's Ellie, as you might've guessed," she started, and it was Dina's turn to shift uncomfortably. "I just.. I don't know what to do, Dina, I've tried everything I could. I tried talking to her, I brought her her favorite food, I visit as often as I can, but it's like she's not even there anymore." Maria said, surprising Dina with the uncharacteristic vulnerability in her voice. "She doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, doesn't interact with anyone, Tommy says that she has nightmares bad enough to make her cry well into sunrise." Maria continued, heaving a sigh after finishing. When she lifted her head, she saw heartbreak painted all over Dina's face. 

Silence settled upon them for a few moments, Dina processing what's been told to her, and Maria giving her the appropriate environment to do so. After a couple of minutes, Dina spoke up.

"She had the nightmares back on the farm too, as well as flashbacks that would pull her into terrible memories at any given moment." Dina said, remembering the countless times she fought for Ellie against her girlfriend's own mind, remembering Ellie's trembling figure in her arms under the covers after the almost nightly occurance that were Ellie's nightmares, remembering that time where she found Ellie screaming in the barn, with JJ crying against her chest after one of her flashbacks blindsided her.

"I know I'm asking for too much, you don't have to help me – her – if you don't want to." Maria reassured, but she was surprised by Dina's little head shake.

"She hurt me, but I can't stand by knowing that I can help her without doing so." Dina said, she felt exhausted all of a sudden, as if the information finally settled into her brain. "I'll visit her tomorrow, if that's okay with you?" She asked Maria, who looked delighted to hear the words coming out of Dina's mouth.

"Yes, sure, of course it's fine with me. Thank you, Dina." Maria said, her eyes sparkled in the dim light in Dina's small living room.

After Maria left, Dina stood alone in her kitchen, cradling a mug of tea in her hands and going through her memories with Ellie, good and bad, over and over again. She hoped she wouldn't regret her decision to help.


	5. 5

Clench, unclench. Clench, unclench. Stare at the scarred stumps. Try to get rid of the pain in her none existent fingers. Clench, unclench.

Ellie stared at her right hand for a long time. On most days, there was a dull pain that was easily overshadowed by pain radiating from multiple other places in her body and mind. On other days the pain ripped through her, demanding her attention. Today belonged to the latter category.

Her hands were shaking all the time now, rendering her unable to hold anything for long periods of time, she couldn't even hold a pack of ice still enough against the aching places where her fingers used to be, so she put her right hand under the faucet and let the cold water dull the ache that ran through it, her other hand pinching the bridge of her nose, the permanent headache that made a home out of her skull was making its presence extra known today. Ellie felt exhausted, but that was nothing new, her short and sporadic sleep patterns took a heavy toll on her. 

When she felt too dizzy to stand up, she soaked one of the rags on her counter in cold water and wrapped it around her hand, then she sat down on her bed and put her head in her left hand, ready to space out for as long as her mind would allow her to.

It was early morning, Jackson was slowly but surely waking up, kids could be heard yelling far away, and the few houses that surrounded her own gave away the sounds of morning grumpiness: mothers trying to wake their kids up, people going up and down creaking sets of stairs, the sound of water rushing through pipes. Ellie felt like a ghost in the middle of it all as she continued to space out in her dark home, it was all she had the energy for these days.

Her mind wasn't the thing that dragged her out of spacing out this time, but a gentle knock on the door, it was enough of a foreign sound for Ellie to ignore it at first, thinking it was yet another trick her brain played on her, but when the knock echoed again, Ellie reluctantly got up and opened the door, coming face to face with Dina.

Ellie was too shocked to react, it was the first thing she felt in days that wasn't fear or crushing depression. Dina tried to look nonchalant, but her face betrayed the sadness she felt. Whether that was because of Ellie's pitiful state or because being around her brought Dina too many bad memories, Ellie didn't know.

"Can I come in?" Dina said, surprising herself with how steady her voice was. Ellie didn't move for a few seconds, and she feared that she came here too late to help Ellie, or what is left of her.

She gave an internal sigh of relief when Ellie stepped aside and opened the door a little wider. Making her way in, Dina immediately noticed the containers full of yesterday's dinner and the stale smell that filled the air. She scanned the small space, it didn't look lived in apart from the bed, which Ellie currently sat on, right hand hidden behind her back and eyes cast down, looking at the floor but not really seeing it. Dina's heart broke even further.

"How are you doing?" Dina asked, a little softer this time.

"Fine." came the reply.

Clearly this wasn't going to be easy, not that Dina expected it to be.

"Your dinner hasn't been touched, Ellie." Dina said, noticing Ellie inhale sharply at the sound of her name.

"Don't really feel like eating, sorry." she mumbled, her left hand tugging on a loose thread in the flannel that hung on her unhealthily thin frame.

"Why are you apologizing?" Dina asked.

Ellie looked up in confusion, her eyes looked even more tired in the darkness of her home, the redness that surrounded her pupils visible even as she diverted her gaze downwards again quickly, like she was doing something wrong, or looking at someone she wasn't supposed to be looking at. "I don't know, sorry." Ellie said, her voice becoming more distant by the minute.

"You're doing it again," Dina gave her a small smile, earning a tired sigh and a dismissive hand wave from Ellie, who still refused to look up.

Silence engulfed them for a while, Ellie didn't understand why she didn't rush to explain what really happened to Dina, and how she regrets her decision to leave her and JJ to chase something that ended up costing her nearly everything. She should be apologizing and begging for forgiveness, promising Dina to stick around this time, to be a good parent for JJ and a good girlfriend for her.

But something held Ellie back, the nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her that she didn't deserve the comfort Dina brought, that she didn't deserve a nice life when she took that possibility away from countless people. Both voices clashed inside Ellie's tired mind, and God, she was so drained she could lay down and die. It certainly didn't seem like the worst thing in the world, Ellie thought.

"Shut up," Ellie whispered to herself, momentarily forgetting that Dina is in her house, only a few meters away from her.

"What?" Dina asked, making Ellie look at her in confusion. "You just mumbled 'shut up' at no one." Dina explained slowly.

"Oh," Ellie breathed, "That wasn't directed at you." she continued.

"It couldn't be, since we weren't having any conversation in the first place." Dina said, giving Ellie another one of her soft smiles.

"Yes, right. Sorry." Ellie said, then groaned after realizing she apologized once again.

Another period of silence passed, Dina didn't want to intrude on Ellie's thoughts, it was good enough for her to just be around right now. She knew Ellie wouldn't turn her away, but she also knew that Ellie wasn't the most patient person, especially when she's angry. But looking at Ellie now, with her tired eyes and defeated posture, her hand behind her back and her shoulders slumped forward, Dina realized that 'angry' wasn't the appropriate word to describe Ellie. Defeated could work. Heartbroken, broken, sorrowful. These were all words that Dina could use to describe Ellie, and yet they wouldn't even begin to cover how vulnerable and devastated she looked.

"It wasn't worth it." Ellie broke the silence this time, still not looking at Dina.

"What?" Dina asked.

"Before you left, in the hospital," a swallow, "You said you hoped it was worth it. I'm telling you it wasn't." Ellie clarified with a shaky voice.

"Oh." Dina said after a minute, failing to come up with any other response.

"Yeah," Ellie breathed. "I figured that after everything you've been through because of me, and after everything you did for me, that I owe you an apology," she continued. Ellie took a deep breath, and lifted her head up, Dina could see tears pooling in her eyes, some of them already halfway down her face, "I'm sorry, I really am. I don't even know why you bother with me anymore. I don't want you to feel pressured to waste your time on me just because we shared something before." Ellie said, trying and failing to steady her voice.

Dina was stunned, she didn't think she'd receive that type of apology from Ellie. She didn't expect to get any at all, and definitely not this soon. Ellie hung her head once again, the burst of confidence that motivated her to look Dina in the eyes all but gone.

"I'm not wasting my time on you, I'm taking care of you because I care about you, despite everything that happened." Dina said after collecting her thoughts for a couple of minutes. "I was angry at the hospital, it hurt when you said you wanted to leave." She continued, "All these months I spent thinking you were dead somewhere in California were tough, it was hard to grasp that you were back and alive." 

"Apparently I can't die," Ellie snorted bitterly, thinking about all the people she cared about who died right in front of her. She would've traded her life for theirs without hesitation if she was given a choice, but life favored her each time. A blessing and a curse in disguise.

Ellie never really managed to get through any of the losses she experienced, she was aware of the dark place in her mind where her memories of those people went to die. Locked and sealed forever, or at least that's what she tried to do with them. Her memories with Joel proved to be exactly like him: stubborn, persistent, and very difficult to control.

"I'm happy to know that." Dina said, bringing Ellie's attention back to her.

"I didn't kill her." Ellie blurted out.

"Y–You didn't?" Dina stammered, her eyes wide with shock and something else Ellie couldn't pinpoint, relief?

"I.. No, I couldn't. There's no point." Ellie sighed. "I mean, I fought her, I was strangling her underwater, then I remembered him, and I couldn't do it." Ellie sniffed. "She did leave me two fingers short though, so I guess I'll always have that as a reminder." She half joked, reluctantly moving her right hand into Dina's line of vision for the first time since she let her inside.

"Oh, that must've hurt." Dina said sympathetically.

"It did, it still does." Ellie grimaced before balling her hand into a shaky fist and shoving it in her pocket, discomfort evident on her face.

"How do you feel? about not doing it." Dina asked tentatively, she was treading on some mighty thin ice, and she didn't want to push Ellie too much, she knew the taller girl was still too vulnerable for that.

"I mean, Yes? No? I'm not entirely sure. I just couldn't do it, and there was this kid who was probably going to die without her," Ellie ran a hand through her hair, noticing how it had gotten a little bit longer, "I don't know, Dina. The answer is I don't know what I'm feeling, but I know it was the right move." She concluded, realizing that this is the most she spoke out loud in months.

"Fair enough," Dina said before checking the time on her watch, "I need to head out," Ellie's heart clenched in fear, she didn't want to be alone in her dark home again, not after talking to Dina. "I'll check on you after my shift at the stables end. Maybe you can try to get some sleep until then?" Dina asked, hearing Ellie mumble an incoherent reply before closing the door shut behind her and breathing Jackson's fresh air.

In the grand scheme of things, today wasn't much in terms of Ellie's health progress, but it was something, and that was all Dina could really ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! (this probably should've been on chapter one but I'm new to this, didn't even realized it was published, but I'm getting the hang of it!)


	6. Chapter 6

Days passed with Dina visiting Ellie before and after her shift, trying to find a way to get her to really talk about how she feels. After her first visit, there wasn't much Ellie felt like she needed to say, she got the burden of apologizing and the confession of not killing Abby off her shoulders. To Ellie, that was more than she thought she'd ever get to say to Dina, it was the only comfort being alive could possibly bring her.

They spent most of their time in silence, Dina's presence was enough of a grounding force to keep Ellie's mind from wandering into the darker places it went to when she was on her own. Dina managed to convince Ellie to eat a little bit every time she was there, but she didn't know that it barely ever stayed down. She didn't need to know that, Ellie thought, it wasn't her problem to deal with.

Another week passed and no signs of physical improvement were visible on Ellie, the colour didn't return to her face and the bags underneath her eyes didn't seem to get any better. She was sure she was doing something wrong, Dina just couldn't pinpoint it, and even if she could, she wasn't sure if she'd be allowed to fix it.

A crescent moon hung in the sky as Dina fumbled with the lock on Ellie's door to get it open, she heard an all too familiar whimper coming from the dark house, causing her to quickly unlock the door and turn on the single functioning light bulb. She found Ellie slumped on her bed in a position that didn't look too comfortable, almost like she fell asleep against her will.

Dina kicked the door shut and rushed to her side, gently patting her face and shaking her shoulders, desperately trying to get her to open her eyes.

"Ellie, Ellie," came a voice from far away, it was strong enough to infiltrate her senses, but not strong enough to distract Ellie from the horrific scene in front of her. She couldn't tear her eyes away from him, hair soaked in blood, one eye looking at her but not actually seeing her, the sound of his shallow breaths was so loud, it felt like he was breathing directly into her ears.

And then the bloody golf club swung high into the air and landed with a sickening crunch one final time on his head, immediately cutting out the sound of his breathing, Ellie felt its absence clawing at her heart as it was replaced by loud ringing that seemed to originate from the very center of her brain. The figure standing in front of Joel turned, and Ellie was horrified to see that the figure was none other than herself, with a smug smile on her face and a flannel soaked in blood. Joel's blood.

Ellie let out a scream and opened her eyes. The cold, hard floor beneath her cheek slowly transformed into a warm mattress, Joel's bloody and beaten face turned into Dina's face, as beautiful as ever, but full of concern and heartbreak.

Ellie shoved Dina aside as gently as she could before rushing to the bathroom and emptying whatever was left in her stomach, she held onto the bowl for a while, feeling like the ground was going to swallow her whole if she let go.

It was Dina's hand that brought Ellie out of her terrifying trance, gently running up and down her back in an attempt to bring her any kind of comfort. Ellie slowly let go of the bowl, standing up weakly before flushing the toilet and splashing cold water on her face. She walked out of her tiny bathroom, sensing Dina behind her, worry practically radiating off of her. Ellie walked to the dusty table and leaned against it, feeling too tired and shaken up to use her bed just yet.

Her gaze was cast downwards once again, she didn't have the courage to look Dina in the eyes after she saw her in her most vulnerable state once again. Ellie didn't mean to fall asleep, she avoided it with all her might when she knew Dina was coming back, but the exhaustion was too overwhelming for her to resist today, she couldn't ward it off, and her fears came to life when she opened her eyes to Dina's face.

Dina herself sat on the edge of Ellie's bed, not knowing what to do. She definitely knew why Ellie's physical health didn't seem to be improving now, but she had no solution for it, she couldn't approach Ellie without feeling like she's approaching a wounded animal. Dealing with post Seattle Ellie was difficult, but manageable. Dealing with post Santa Barbara Ellie, however, was a whole different story.

They sat in silence for a while, Dina gathering her thoughts, and Ellie running away from hers. 

"Do– Do they happen every night?" Dina finally asked, hesitation clear in her tone.

"Yeah," Ellie replied, fiddling with her fingers.

"Are they always this bad?" 

Ellie didn't trust her voice enough to give an audible reply, so she just nodded her head, hoping Dina would be looking.

"Why didn't you tell me, Ellie?" Dina said, sounding concerned and just a little bit hurt. 

"Because you already have enough to worry about?" came the reply after a moment, "I brought this upon myself, it's not fair for me to burden others with the consequences of my own shitty decisions." Ellie concluded.

"God, you're such a fucking idiot." Dina said, "You didn't cause Joel's death, Ellie." Ellie flinched, making Dina regret her blunt choice of words for a second. "Sure, everything that followed after might've been your own decisions, but what offset it wasn't you. You can't shoulder this whole burden on your own, it'll break you." 

'It already did', Ellie wanted to say, but decided against it, and just shook her head and breathed through her mouth instead, in a desperate effort to will the tears away.

"Why don't we take a walk?" Dina suggested, "You can't stay in here forever, it won't do you any good." She added.

"I don't really want to go out," Ellie said, balling her right hand into a fist and crossing her arms tightly over her chest. To Dina, it looked like Ellie was trying to shrink into herself.

Dina was desperate to bring some comfort to Ellie, and she knew that wouldn't happen with her holed up here in the dark, all alone. So, without really considering her offer, she blurted it out loud, "Would you like to stay at my place tonight?" Ellie looked at her in surprise, not really registering what came out of Dina's mouth.

"I– Sorry what?" Ellie asked.

"You heard me, do you want to come over?" Dina said, sounding more sure of herself this time.

"Are you sure you want me there? around JJ? after everything I've done?" Ellie asked insecurely, her arms loosening around her chest.

"I trusted you around him after Seattle, you are practically his other parent. Of course I want you around him, I can't believe you'd even ask." Dina laughed, making the faintest of smiles tug on Ellie's lips.

"Then yes, sure. If it's no bother, of course." Ellie quickly said, with the same old awkwardness and clumsiness that made Dina fall in love with her all these months ago. It came as a relief for Dina, because under all the hurt and the grief was Ellie. Her Ellie.

A tiny part at the back of Dina's mind disapproved of her growing feelings towards Ellie, reminding her of the promise she made to herself that she was done with Ellie once and for all. Some might've called that logic, but honestly, when was logic ever a serious factor for her when Ellie was involved?

Dina packed a small bag of clothes and slung it over her shoulder, waving off Ellie's weak protests. They made their way out of the house and took a longer, less crowded route to Dina's house. Ellie was a little bit dizzy, stopping every now and then to take a deep breath and squeeze her eyes shut, Dina took her hand and placed it on her shoulder, wordlessly telling her that she can lean on her.

Once they arrived at Dina's house, Ellie was told that she should go have a shower while Dina went to get JJ from Jesse's parents home. Ellie panicked a little at the thought of being alone again, but Dina's quick reassurance that it'll take less than five minutes brought her some comfort. Five minutes, she could do that.

She hopped into the shower quickly, the though of seeing JJ chasing away any unwelcome thoughts that tried to break through to the surface, her little potato was finally coming to her again. She finished off quickly, not being one for long showers, and changed into the clothes Dina brought her as she listened to the sound of Dina and JJ arriving home, instantly filling her with happiness she didn't think she was capable of feeling again.

"You could've had this, if you stayed." a voice echoed inside Ellie's mind.

"Shut up, shut up." Ellie mumbled to herself before taking a deep breath and unlocking the door. Her breath instantly caught in her throat as she spotted Dina standing next to the couch, brushing a stray hair away from JJ's eyes. Dina's eyes snapped up to Ellie's frozen frame, giving her an encouraging smile, letting her know that she could step forward.

Ellie's steps were light and soundless, a stark contrast to the sound of her uneven breathing. She was scared of touching the little kid, feeling like she was a poison that will somehow taint his childish innocence. Dina extended a hand towards her, and Ellie extended her right hand in return instinctively, then tried to withdraw it quickly after catching a glimpse of it, but Dina held onto it, giving Ellie a gentle squeeze before placing the hand on JJ's back.

The little kid's eyes turned towards her, a little bit of curiosity evident in them before he reached out both arms towards Ellie, who honestly could've died from happiness right then and there, JJ wasn't repulsed by her, and neither was Dina, and to her, that was more than she deserved.

She gave Dina a questioning look, receiving a nod in return before she found JJ's warm little body in her arms, his head nestled in the spot between her neck and shoulder that fit him so perfectly. It was so familiar and comforting, almost like she never left.

She sat down with him on the couch while Dina went to make dinner, his breathing slowed down at one point, letting Ellie know that the little boy fell asleep in her arms.

Ellie leaned back on the couch, one hand on JJ's back, the other one on the back of his little head. Eventually she fell into a deep, peaceful sleep, the most peaceful she had in months, with the sound of JJ breathing in her ear and Dina humming in the kitchen as her own personal lullaby.


	7. Chapter 7

For the first time in a long time, Ellie woke up not feeling like she was 30 seconds away from a cardiac arrest, splayed out on a couch she didn't recognize, her legs dangling over the armsets, a dark blue blanket draped over her.

Then last night came flooding back.

Ellie sat up quickly, squeezing her eyes shut to fend off the overwhelming wave of dizziness that came over her, she didn't remember how she ended up asleep on the couch or where Dina was, she wasn't even sure of the time because the curtains were draped over every window. She stood up and slowly moved one of the curtain aside, surprised and a little bit mortified to find the sun about to set, she realized that she slept for maybe twenty hours, give or take. Where was Dina, anyway?

A laugh echoing from deep inside the house answered her question, she wasn't sure if she should head in or stay out in the living room, Ellie wasn't about to test her boundaries with Dina and JJ. She'd take whatever both of them were kind enough to give her, no complaints or questions asked. 

Instead, Ellie folded the blanket and put the pillows back where they belonged on the couch, then she sat down and waited, listening to Dina's occasional laughter and JJ's delighted squeals. It brought Ellie an immeasurable amount of comfort.

A few minutes later, Ellie sat up when she heard a door being opened and light footsteps treading towards her, Dina's head appeared from around a corner, and gave Ellie a big smile once she noticed she was up. "Hey, I hope we didn't disturb your sleep." Dina said.

"No, not at all. I'm sorry for falling asleep on you last night," Ellie replied, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly.

"You're fine, don't worry about it. I didn't have the heart to wake you up, you looked so peaceful, and JJ slept for a few hours too. It's been a while since he slept that deeply." Dina explained.

Ellie nodded her head and stayed silent for a moment, before she remembered what she wanted to ask Dina, "Did you have any work scheduled for today?" She asked.

"No, it's my day off." Dina explained, and suddenly Ellie noticed her comfy clothes and her loose hair, barely held together by one of Dina's elastic bands.

"Oh, okay then." Ellie said and stood abruptly, trying not to show the grimace that the usual wave of dizziness brought to her face, "I should get going, let you and little JJ enjoy your day together, or what's left of it. It's getting late anyway." Ellie said, her eyes scanning the room in search of her sneakers.

Dina's face fell, "You can stay another night? you're not a bother at all, I promise. And, if I'm being honest, Ellie, I really don't want you to go back to your house and spend time on your own, it's not good for you."

"I'll manage. Seriously Dina, I told you I don't want you to feel pressured into taking care of me. I'll be alright." Ellie said. Her and Dina both knew that Ellie was full of shit, she could already feel the panic bubbling at the thought of being alone in her house, but the one thing she hated enough to put herself through this is being a burden.

"And I told you that I'm not going to let you face this on your own." Dina said firmly, she knew how Ellie could be oversensitive at times, especially when those she loved were concerned. "There's a spare room that I really only use for guests, stay there for as long as you need, just don't go back to being alone, Ellie, please. It won't make me feel any better knowing that you're suffering through this on your own, okay?" Dina said.

Ellie wanted to cry at the kindness and understanding pouring from Dina's eyes, she wanted to hug her, to kiss her soft plum lips and caress her cheek like she did so many times before, but Ellie couldn't, so she tried to convey with her eyes how grateful she was without taking a single step forward.

"I don't deserve this. Seriously, thank you, Dina." Ellie said, letting everything she's feeling show in her voice.

"Yes, you do. We all make mistakes Ellie, and we all deserve to be forgiven for them. You're always hard on yourself, whatever you're going through, I'm here for you." Dina said, taking a few steps forward and throwing her arms around Ellie's shoulders, squeezing her in a gentle hug. For a second, Ellie was too shocked to react, then she slowly wrapped her arms around Dina's waist, burying her head in the crook of her neck.

"Would you like us to go to your place? pack some stuff?" Dina murmured into Ellie's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Ellie replied, all previous panic gone, replaced by a sense of calmness that she would've killed for weeks ago.

________________________________________

Days passed in a comfortable routine for Ellie and Dina, the former got to spend lots of time with JJ, since she wasn't too comfortable with the idea of going outside yet, while the latter didn't spend the majority of the day worrying about her kid and her.. well, her.

That was becoming a problem for Dina, not knowing where she and Ellie stood. She felt like it was too soon to decide anything yet. Ellie was doing much better compared to how she was when Dina first visited her, but she could tell that the demons were still there crawling inside her head when no one was around to overpower them. Ellie still had horrible nightmares and terrifying flashbacks, she still refused to really talk about Joel or Santa Barbara, and Dina was fully aware that these were integral parts of Ellie's healing, but she didn't want to push her, she already knew how hard everything was for Ellie only by looking into her eyes.

Ellie, on the other hand, felt like she was in limbo, she enjoyed Dina's and JJ's company, but being too terrified of going out and too restless to stay in was beginning to bug her sooner than she anticipated, and she had no clue what to do.

If she was honest with herself, Ellie didn't understand why she was afraid of being outside on her own, maybe because it'd serve as a reminder of her being alive, failing at yet another thing she planned on doing, maybe because she didn't trust herself around others yet. She didn't know, and it was another rock added to the seemingly unapproachable mountain of Ellie's problems, one that she was getting more hopeless of ever getting to the top of.

When Dina got back home, it was unusually silent, she closed the door and walked to JJ's crib, finding him fast asleep there, then she heard light sniffling coming from Ellie's room, and her heart sank.

Dina lightly knocked on the door, waiting a few seconds before turning the knob and walking in. She was met by the sight of Ellie setting on her bed, back resting against the wall, fiddling with her fingers like she always seemed to do, her eyes were cast downwards, reminding Dina of all the time they spent at Ellie's when she couldn't get to see her eyes.

"Hey El," Dina started.

"Hey," came the short reply, but not short enough for Dina to miss the hoarseness in Ellie's voice.

Dina approached Ellie's bed and climbed up next to her, placing one hand on her knee, staring at the opposite wall in a silence that was too familiar for both of them, one where Ellie was too sad to talk and Dina was too understanding to push her to.

"When does it get easier?" Ellie finally spoke up.

"When does what get easier?" Dina asked, perplexed by the vague question.

"Everything, I feel like there's so much to deal with, to unpack, before I can begin to feel like a normal person again, but I'm so tired." Ellie breathed out shakily, "There was something he," deep breath, "Joel used to say, that he was so old that he could feel the exhaustion run deep into his bones, I never understood what that meant until I came back from Santa Barbara." 

Dina listened patiently, part of her feeling relieved that Ellie was finally talking. "Why don't you start at the begining?" Dina asked gently, just as her thumb began rubbing Ellie's knee in circles.

Ellie took another deep breath, "It hurts because I never got a chance. We never got a chance, I was robbed of something that I'll never get back." Ellie's voice broke, but she continued anyway, "I feel guilty about wasting all this time that I could've spent with him, we should have started repairing our relationship the day he.." a sob managed to break through, and Ellie decided not to say the word she was supposed to say, Dina would understand. "And even though he's no longer here, I still can't forgive him for what he did, and I feel like a monster for it. How am I supposed to heal without forgiving him?" Ellie asked, not really expecting an answer to her question.

"You don't have to. But you can try to understand why he did what he did." Dina said, "Joel wronged many people, yourself included, he wasn't by any means perfect, but everything he did, he did for a reason, understanding that can be your way to come to peace with this part of your past. There are many ways to move past this, El, and forcing yourself to feel a certain way won't help, regardless of the situation." 

"That's... I never thought about that." Ellie said truthfully, she always heard about how forgiveness is the only way to overcome the grief, and the anger of being robbed of her purpose that came with it. But it wasn't easy, Ellie spent years grappling with herself over this, she never really believed in Joel's half assed explanation for the fireflies not making a cure out of whatever it is that ran through her veins, but the confirmation drove the nail in.

"I felt worthless for the longest time after the day he told me what really went down in that hospital, I still do." Ellie said, feeling Dina's hand squeeze her knee in reassurance, "I felt.. purposeless, all of these people dying, turning, and I held the solution for that without doing anything with it. It felt like it was my fault in a way, that this pandemic was still going on."

"When he passed, that purpose was temporarily replaced, it felt like avenging his death was my new purpose. Or maybe it was just my own shitty way of avoiding this new reality where his memory existed everywhere without him actually being there. Either way, I was completely focused on that one purpose in Seattle, there was no Joel to stop me this time. But I forgot that I'm not Joel." She smiled sadly, "When he killed, it was efficient, almost mechanical, like he was just removing obstacles in his way. I can't do that, I only ever feel that way when I'm killing infected." Ellie continued.

Dina listened to Ellie throughout the night, only speaking when she felt it was appropriate. She listened to her recount the murder in the hospital basement, and how her brain was screaming at her to stop, and how the complete loss of control over herself in that moment terrified her to this day. She listened to her talk about the man she shot despite promising that she'd let him live, she listened to her talk about how horrible she felt after she killed Abby's pregnant friend and her boyfriend, and how she was terrified of Abby getting back to her by killing Dina back in the theater. 

At one point Ellie laid down on her bed, her back aching from hours of resting against the cold hard wall. After that, it was only a matter of time till Ellie's tongue got heavier, and eventually, she fell asleep. Dina watched Ellie for a while, the dark lines under her eyes were improving, hair back at its usual length after Dina volunteered to cut it for her, breath calmly rising and falling.

Dina felt too lazy to move, especially with Ellie's warm hand unconsciously holding onto her own. So Dina made the only decision she had the heart of making in that moment, and slept next to Ellie.


	8. Chapter 8

A month passed since Ellie first opened up to Dina, with Ellie bouncing between her place and Dina's house, she was doing better. The nightmares still came and the flashbacks still blindsided her, but they were less frequent and brutal. Talking to Dina nearly every day had a positive impact on her, she didn't think she'd ever feel like a functional member in Jackson again, but as she stood in the stables brushing down one of the horses, she allowed herself to feel a little bit of pride for managing to get to this point.

Her thoughts were abruptly halted when she heard the stable door creak open, she patted the horse's back before going to check who came in, finding that it was none other than Tommy.

She barely talked to him since she got back to Jackson, aside from awkward greetings they exchanged whenever she saw him while going out with Dina, it always left a bitter taste in her mouth, she could tell that he wanted to talk, to redeem himself, but Ellie didn't think there was anything to discuss since she didn't really blame him for anything that happened that night. She understood his pain and desperation because she lived and breathed it for months upon months, until Dina put her back together.

"Tommy," Ellie said, nodding once in acknowledgment.

"Uh, hi Ellie," He greeted, almost surprised at how calm Ellie appeared. "Do you have a minute?"

"Sure, let me just wash my hands real quick." Ellie said, and walked to the bucket full of water near the door.

When she was finished she beckoned him outside and closed the door behind them, they walked to the bench near the stable in silence, Ellie wordlessly offered her arm to Tommy for support, and he gratefully took it, trying to put the least amount of weight possible on Ellie.

When they finally sat down Tommy turned in his place to face Ellie, not wasting any time. "I wanted to apologise, for everything. The way I behaved.. it was unacceptable, I shouldn't have came to you with the information I had. I shouldn't have made you feel like you owe me somethin'."

"It's alright, Tommy. I don't blame you for anything, I wanted to go after her." Ellie said, as gently as she could manage.

"It's not alright," Tommy quickly said, accent more prominent in his haste, "I'm supposed to be the one lookin' out for you after Joel, and I behaved like a complete idiot!"

"We were both blinded by rage and the failure of Seattle. Seriously, the entire time between Seattle and the day you came to me with that map.. I was just going through the motions, not really living. Just waiting for another chance to come along." Ellie explained, "I've forgiven you a long time ago, Tommy. It's time to forgive yourself." 

Ellie watched Tommy's eye shine with held back tears. She wanted to comfort him, but the Millers weren't exactly experts on comforting anyone, so she awkwardly gave him a couple of pats on the back, hoping they conveyed what she was trying to do. "We're family, you're my last connection to him. I don't want to waste time again, life is too short for that." Ellie said after a while, earning a nod from Tommy.

"I didn't kill her," Ellie said, half dreading Tommy's reaction.

"You didn't?" Tommy asked, his shock too strong to hide.

"No. I had her, she was two seconds away from dying, but it just didn't feel like the right thing to do." exhale, "I remembered him, and our last conversation, and suddenly I didn't want to kill her anymore." Ellie explained, relieved at the lack of anger on Tommy's face.

"Well, I guess that's Joel's way of protectin' you one last time." Tommy said and stood up, turning to Ellie. "If you ever need anything, just tell me. I'm not him, but, as you said, we are family, and I'm gonna try my hardest to make that into somethin' good for you."

Ellie nodded gratefully, and watched Tommy's retreating form until he disappeared behind one of Jackson's buildings.

______________________________________

"Ellie?" Dina shouted as she opened her apartment's door, hearing JJ's giggles as she dropped her keys on the little table, next to a framed photo of all three of them back in the farm. Dina hadn't properly looked at the photo in a while, it was taken by Ellie on one of her rare good days, Dina could smell the pancakes she was making that morning, she remembered how Ellie's arms wrapped around her waist from behind as she kissed the back of her neck, face still warm upon waking up, sleepy mumbles ringing in her ears as Dina tried to turn around to kiss her properly.

"Coming!" came Ellie's voice, and no more than ten seconds later Ellie was in front of Dina, with JJ in her arms, his hands toying with each other like Ellie usually did. 

"Welcome home," Ellie said warmly, giving her a shy smile. Dina knew Ellie was still careful with how she behaved around her, she saw the looks Ellie was giving her when she thought she wasn't looking, saw the way her attention immediately snapped to her at the slightest sound of Dina's voice, saw the way her eyes lit up when she laid eyes on her and JJ, but she was scared of fucking it up again, and so was Dina, so neither of them did anything to address the elephant in the room. But how long can they be scared for before the fear drowns out any hope of restoring what they had?

"I hope he was a good boy today," Dina said, giving JJ a pointed look jokingly.

"The best, as always." Ellie said and looked at JJ with so much love in her eyes. Dina's heart skipped a beat.

'Yup, we definitely do need to talk', Dina thought.

"I thought about making dinner, but I figured that poisoning you isn't the nicest way to say thank you, so I had Maggie fix you something extra special today in the kitchen." Ellie said, pointing to a light blue plate stacked with pizza, sitting on the kitchen table.

"You're an angel," Dina sighed contentedly before practically running to get her dinner.

Dina was halfway through her pizza when Ellie managed to lull JJ to sleep, gently serenading him while the warmth of his favorite spot on her shoulder took care of the rest, Ellie nodded her head towards Dina's room, silently telling her that she's going to put him in his bed, and Dina gave her a thumbs up in response.

Thinking that this was the best possible time to talk about what's going on between them, Dina put her plate in the kitchen and went to wash her hands, when she came back to her spot on the couch Ellie was sitting there, with her mind elsewhere.

"Hey," Dina nudged her gently, "where did you go?"

"Nowhere, I'm right here." Ellie responded, giving Dina a small smile.

"Is that so?" Dina raised an eyebrow playfully, earning a low chuckle from Ellie.

"Yes, I was just thinking–"

"Uh oh," Dina joked, and Ellie glared at her in an attempt to be intimidating, which failed miserably, at least according to Dina.

"As I was saying," Ellie raised her voice a tad bit, "I was just thinking about everything that happened since I came back." her voice sobered up, "I didn't think I'd ever get another chance to do this," she gestured around her, hoping that would make sense to Dina, "I laid down in that cabin, thinking about how you'll have a partner who can truly give you and JJ everything you want, everything you deserve, and that thought was enough to bring me the peace I needed in what I thought would be my final moments." 

"And you thought I'd be happy with anybody else?" Dina questioned, not a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"You certainly wouldn't be happy with me, not after what I did,"

"I've already forgiven you for that," Dina said.

"Forgiveness is one thing, Trust is another." Ellie said, and Dina's eyebrows knotted in confusion.

"I do trust you, Ellie." Dina countered.

"Yes, but you'll never trust me as much as you did before, and I don't blame you. I fucked up. Bad. And I blew everything we had." Ellie said, feeling the tears starting to well in her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall, not tonight.

"Who's to say you won't get another chance?" Dina said, surprising Ellie, who turned to her with the most adorable dumbfounded expression Dina had seen in her entire life.

"Yes, you fucked up. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, you weren't exactly girlfriend of the year material for what you did. But I see the way you look at JJ and how you hold him carefully every night as if you were protecting him from the world. I see the way you look at me. I see the way you've been improving since you came back. You've been talking to me Ellie, something I wanted so desparately back on the farm." Dina let out a breath after finishing.

"Why didn't you tell me that you wanted me to talk so badly? I would've done it for you." Ellie said, her voice small.

"Because the point isn't you talking, the point is you wanting to get better, and trusting me enough to let these thoughts — that hurt you every day — come out of their cage around me." Dina explained to Ellie, who was starting to lower her head before Dina's hand stopped her, tipping her chin upwards so their eyes can meet.

"There's no shame about taking time to grieve, especially not around me." Dina said, tucking that one strand of hair that always seemed to be loose behind Ellie's ear.

Ellie knew what she wanted to do, what she needed to do, she was just terrified of rejection and what it might do to what they had now. But looking into Dina's warm brown eyes chased any fears she had away. If she got rejected, then so be it.

Ellie took a deep breath and let it out, she tried puffing up her chest but it quickly deflated. The sound of Dina's barely suppressed laughter at her antics made her smile, so she went for it.

"I'm an idiot. And maybe you deserve someone better than me, I know you do. But I also love you a whole lot, Dina, more than I can possibly ever comprehend, and it scares me because I didn't know I had it in me, to feel things this deeply, before you. and I'm selfish because I want you all to myself, I don't want someone else to make you feel happy. I want me to make you happy." Ellie exhaled and held up her index finger, letting Dina know she wasn't done.

"There's a lot I want to do with you and JJ, there's also a lot I want to do for you and him. So Dina, will you please give me another shot at being your girlfriend? I will do my best this time for y–" Ellie's little speech was abruptly cut short by a pair of warm, full, familiar lips on hers, and her body reacted immediately, like it was holding on the entire time in preparation for this moment and this moment only.

Ellie's hand ran through Dina's soft hair and down her side, resting against her hip, while Dina's hands held Ellie's face, like she was making sure she won't disappear.

"To answer your question verbally: Yes, I would like to try." Dina said, and kissed the inside of Ellie's right hand that was resting on her cheek.

"I'd like that."


End file.
